Tal's Newspaper Article on Alexander Great and the Greco Persian War

Newspaper Article/ Newscast

Ancient Greece: The War of Persia and the Peloponnesian War

By Talmage Cresap

            This news article is in the ancient ages of Greece when they were at war with the Persians. The Persian Emperor has sent men to Greece trying to take land from them. The Greeks threw them into holes (which I believe began the saying “Die in a hole!”).

            The Persian Emperor decided to send in a strong force against Athens; however the Athenians were outnumbered, but had some tricks up their sleeves. First of all, a formation called a phalanx; second, longer spears; and third the Athenians were smarter. So, the Persians proved useless against the Phalanx and the war began.

            And all of Greece made an alliance to fight the Persians and the Persians attacked the awesome strong Spartans from behind. And a traitor led the Persians through the mountains of Macedonia to the southern land of Greece where Sparta was.

            But the Greeks had the upper hand, for the Athenians had invented the trireme. The triremes had rams, extra oars and were much stronger than the Persian boats, so the Persians were defeated at sea (The Athenians had the upper hand on the water and the Spartans had the upper hand on land).

            Then a new Persian Emperor came to power, Darius. Meanwhile one of the greatest Persian temples was on fire and the priests were doing a bunch of horrible things to themselves, including ripping their clothes. On that same day a Macedonian prince was born, the one who would finally defeat the Persians—Alexander the Great.          

Narrator: Anyway, my buddy Chuck Charles has gone to Macedonia to interview Olympia, the mother of Alexander. And Bob is going to interview King Phillip, the father of Alexander.

Chuck: This is Chuck Charles here and we are interviewing Queen Olympia, mother of Alexander and her room is crawling with snakes (whispers: she has dozens of poisonous slithery, snakes. She liked to call them her conversational weapon, if you know what I mean.)

Anyway, Queen Olympia, what do you think about your new son?

Olympia: My son will be King! No other prince will stay alive!! Wah, ha, ha, ha!

Chuck: Creepy

Narrator: Now down to Bob

Bob: Now, we’re at the chamber of King Phillip. And he’s not really ugly at all. They said he was but actually he is really buff! So, Phillip, what do you think about your new son, Alexander.

Phillip: Not as good as my favorite wife’s son.

Narrator: I see a conflict coming here…

            Back to story telling time. Anyway when Alexander was older he tamed a black horse named Bucephalus. He tamed it by showing it the SUN! Apparently it was afraid of shadows. And let’s just say that the horse never lets anyone else ride him. But whenever Alexander came to ride him the horse would kneel down so Alexander could get on.

            And later on after, Phillip would go to war and Alexander would be left in charge. I do believe his mom had something to do with that. And he led the armies against the Persian invaders.

            When Phillip went to invade Greece he was either assassinated, or else he died in battle and all the Macedonian warriors gathered around Alexander because they knew he was now their king. Later on he was convinced by the Greeks to attack Persia. And he did and conquered it all. He conquered the world between Greece, Egypt and India. And then he died.

            After that the alliance that Greece made to fight Persia was still there and Athens was in charge, but a bunch of the other city states in Southern Greece didn’t agree. So they got Sparta and a bunch of paperwork and contracts. After that the Spartans laid seige against Athens. The naval force of Athens was useless against the Spartans. And so the Spartans were too powerful. They burned the farms of Athens. Now let us interview the King of Sparta. We go to Bob.

Bob: So, King of Sparta, what do you think about this war?

King of Sparta: Well, technically all the other city states convinced me to attack and I think starving them is the best way to do it. Besides Athens is better at sea than on land, but I am not attacking them by sea. And hey, how do you guys interview both sides and not get the other side against you?

Bob: Oh yeah, you can find out if you go on our website.

King of Sparta: Dude, computers don’t exist yet!

Bob: Hey, we’re kind of copying that video of the dark ages that had the TV and stuff. It was like Dark Ages News.

King of Sparta: Oh! That video.

Narrator: Now it’s time to interview Athens, but that’s going to be kind of hard because they are a democracy…We’ll have to just interview everybody at the same time! Maybe we’ll just interview the generals. We go to Waldo.

Random Athenian Civilian: Hey general, try to find Waldo.

Athenian General: You mean that news guy? I don’t see him. Oh there he is!

Waldo: So, Athenian General, what do you think about this war?

Athenian General: It’s insane! We can’t beat Sparta without our naval force that we can’t use. I read the history book. It’s not pretty.

Waldo: Are you like from the future or something?

Atheninan General: Uhhhhhhh…..Anyway, it’s a commercial break!

“Egyptian Sunblock…”

Crowd: Next commercial!

“Us Norsemen are champions at raiding villages and pillaging. And the hunt is good…oh crap! We’re being attacked by Orcs! Minotaur Mercenary! The Minotaur Mercenary will take care of all the people attacking you! Unless you’re in the Peloponnesian War, we don’t want to interfere with that! (action shot of Minotaur fighting Orcs)

Crowd: Next commercial!

“Have you heard of the Legend of the Trojan War? Well now you can get your own very own Trojan Horse! Wooden Dragons, caravans, real Trojan horses... Everything you need to slip into the enemy city unnoticed!”

Crowd: Next commercial!

“Are you having a hard time finding mercenary assassins? Well now you can call Japan and we’ll send you a Ninja of Awesome Power! You just hire them and they’ll kill whoever you tell them to. Magic floating dragons that are floating around the Ninja, not included.

Back to the show…And these commercials were brought to you by the same people who were making the news.

Back to the story.

Athenian Commander: Wait? That commercial was brought to us by you guys? Wait, you mean that you’re not going to help anyone with this war?

Waldo: Yeah…

Athenian Commander: Not even sell those hot dogs that you are already selling?

Narrator: Another commercial break brought to you by Ra!

“Egyptian sunblock. It cures you from the sun! Ra gives you life, but also burns you if you don’t buy his sunblock!’

Crowd: Next Commercial

“Egyptian mummification! It’s the best way to get buried! You’ll be put in a giant pyramid surrounded by treasures. It will support your afterlife! You will even get a bunch of pet cute Egyptian kittens that will get buried with you. (client says, “They’re cute! Look at their big eyes!) You’ll also get a bunch of shabtis. At the afterlife, you’ll be fine.

And for the final chapter of our story. Sparta came into Athens and conquered the city. And once again all the city states of Greece were for themselves. Except for maybe Southern Greece.

Narrator: Now I hope you liked this newscast. It’s based on real history.